One of the reasons I love documentaries is their ability to give us insights into the lives of others.
Sometimes, thrillingly, these are people from the other side of the world, whose experiences are so far removed from our own that we marvel at both the differences and the similarities.
(No way, they love their kids too! And they eat Pringles!)
But I also really love stories that underline how differently people in our own orbit understand, navigate and tolerate the world that's very familiar to us.
That's very much how I feel about Shelby Hadden's Tightly Wound (2018). In a culture that's saturated with sex, what's it like to feel excluded?
Who defines normality, and in that space, how damaging is perceived abnormality?
The sheer fucking honesty of Shelby's film is exhilarating. She holds nothing back in telling her story, and this artistic absolutism is incredibly inspiring.
It flits between emotional registers – funny, heartbreaking, enraging (here's looking at you, medical experts).
But with four million views and counting, Shelby confirms one of my favourite (paradoxical) rules of storytelling: The more specific and personal your tale, the more universally it will resonate.
I spoke with Shelby over Zoom. You can see more of her work on her website.
Why did you want to tell this story?
Because it didn't exist for me when I was growing up in my teens and early 20s.
I just felt so alone in my experience, and everything that was in the mainstream media was very confusing for someone who had pelvic pain, because sex is everywhere.
Dating was really challenging because I date straight men and, especially in your early 20s, they usually have a pretty narrow definition of what sex is.
I self-diagnosed, no doctor ever told me what I had. So I thought, maybe if it's out there, more people will have the language to then approach their doctors, and advocate for their health and their bodies in ways that I didn't have.
I was graduating and I did wonder – are people going to judge me? Are they not going to hire me because I'm speaking so publicly about my vagina and my lack of a sex life?
And one of my friends said, Shelby, do you want to work with people who don't see the value in this?
That was pretty freeing. I'm going to put it all out there, because if people don't see its value, they're not my people.
We can sit for so long tying ourselves in knots about what people we actually don't care about are going to think.
It was sort of like a coming out process, because I was telling all these different groups of people and opening up to my family and old friends. It was difficult and scary, but I was met with so much love.
How did you choose the animator, and your co-director, Sebastián Bisbal?
I wish I could say that I shopped around for a bunch of animators, but honestly, because it was such a personal story, I approached Sebastián who was in my grad school cohort.
We spent a year just talking about it, reading books together, watching films and pulling references.
He’d actually never made an animated film before – he’d done motion graphics and stop motion, and he was taking illustration classes in grad school.
He was one of the first people I ever told about my condition. And because we were already friends – he has always felt like a brother to me – I felt safe sharing it with him. And luckily he was just like, hell yeah, I want to do that...
What was the biggest challenge?
Well, raising money is always the hard one.
But also Sebastian lives in Chile, and so we made this film essentially over Facebook Messenger. Messaging all day and getting on Skype, or FaceTime, or whatever.
That was a good challenge, because it made me be really clear in what I was trying to communicate in the film. Sometimes things got lost in translation between us because one, he's a man, and so he’s removed from this experience.
And then also, English isn't his first language. So, oh man, there would be times where he would draw something and I'm like, what? Where did this come from?
And then I’m like – oh! I see where you got that. There were lots of good laughs.
What would you do differently if you made the film again?
There are a couple of moments that I wish were a little different.
One of them, in my voiceover, I say, “Who would want to date someone who can't have sex?” That was me speaking from a place of insecurity. As I say in the film, there is this mean, nasty voice inside my head that's being awful to me.
That's where that line came from. But a lot of people react to that line thinking, yeah, who would want to? So I think I could have been a bit clearer, but art is always going to be interpreted in different ways.
The other one is when I talk about alcohol leading to bad decisions. Because doctors had told me to drink alcohol to loosen up, and I was given that advice before I was the legal drinking age in the US.
I wish I had said that shouldn’t be part of the equation for sex. You should have all of your senses available to you in those moments, or it does make you vulnerable.
What are you most proud of?
So many things. I am so, so proud that it's helped so many people, from all the people who've written to me.
And I’m really proud that I put myself out there in this way. If you had told 17-year-old Shelby that she would be talking about these things publicly, she would never have believed it.
I couldn't talk about sex, I couldn't talk about my body – there was just so much shame around it.
And making it really helped me heal in a lot of ways – helped me become the person I am. And so I'm just proud of the personal and professional growth that came through that process.
It had been this secret of mine for so long, and I really thought I was the only one dealing with this.
I hate to hear these stories, but so many people have been told really bad advice, or been dismissed by doctors, or have been rejected romantically, and so it’s very validating.
It pulls in much broader themes, about the limitations of how we talk about sex and what we're taught about sex. When we have a broader definition, what does sex look like?
How did this film change you?
It did so much for my career. It was my first film that I made after grad school, and it did really well. I've been able to travel the world, meet lots of other filmmakers.
It brought a lot of people close to me, both personally and professionally.
I've done a TED Talk that tells the story of my sexual debut. I'm trying to make a follow-up called Winning My Virginity, which is about that.
I always thought of Vaginismus as something that pushed people away. But I’ve learned that when you're open and vulnerable with people, and you just show up as yourself, that draws people towards you.
I think it helped me start my journey of figuring out my sexuality, and becoming a more confident, empowered person. In sex, and then other parts of life.
Who are you worried about? Who are you trying to impress? I love Shelby’s realisation that she was holding herself back based on the abstract approval of people she didn’t actually care about.
Thanks to Shelby and you for reading. Until next time!